My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
no you cant smoke seaweed
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
