When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
