I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
