i think i have herpe
just one?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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