My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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