Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
