literally had 100 drinks last night.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
