I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
