You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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