there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize