I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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