My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
