I think my fart just growled at me.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
