If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
