he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
