I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
