too bad you live with your parents still
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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