So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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