I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I could make wine with my vomit
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
