I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
