i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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