somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
