You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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