I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
