My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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