Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
