I skipped work to stalk him.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize