There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
