He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
