I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
