I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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