Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
