I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
