I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Enjoy the penises
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
