I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
