Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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