I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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