Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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