wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
