there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize