i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
