I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
God I need to hump something, right now.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
