forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
