YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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