Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
