M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
MIDGETS
????
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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