last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
