dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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