And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
