i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
