Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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