I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
