i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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