Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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