It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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