Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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