last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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