i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
