end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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