That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
