hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
