I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
