Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
