Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
