Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
