a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
